


Bad Romance

by MaxBetta



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Modern AU, Sex, Smut, sansan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-05-04 11:34:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14592141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaxBetta/pseuds/MaxBetta
Summary: This was inspired by the awards that are given each year for worst written love scenes in books. I thought I’d give an awful sex scene a go. This was fun :)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by the awards that are given each year for worst written love scenes in books. I thought I’d give an awful sex scene a go. This was fun :)

Somewhere in an apartment building, in a moderately large city, Sandor Clegane was standing in the hallway outside of Sansa Stark’s door. The door was a big door, a wood door, the kind of door you could really count on to take you where you needed to go. Sandor inhaled, then exhaled, then inhaled, then exhaled again, then inhaled...with no end in sight. Last week he ran into Sansa in the laundromat of their building. He was pre-treating the skid marks on his underwear, she was reading “Fifty Shades of Grey”, aka girl porn, while her booby underthings soaked in a large sink. Knowing what the book was about, Sandor was coming up with the perfect opening line, when Sansa stole his thunder and spoke first. She mentioned that she had seen him with her eyes, and that she’d love to have him over for coffee sometime. Sandor agreed to a date and time, and Sansa agreed to the time and date, so it was a date, but for another time.

 

Checking his watch one last time to make sure it was the right time, and the correct date, Sandor knocked on the heavy, hard, thick, solid, wood, painted door. Sansa opened the big sexy door to find Sandor standing there. He was breathing. She wanted to blow his mind by saying something suggestive and dirty, but he spoke before she could say anything.

 

“I came to drink coffee and fuck, and I’m all out of coffee.”

 

“Um...ok. That doesn’t make sense. We’re meeting at my place. You weren’t supposed to bring any coffee anyway. I’m providing the coffee.” Sansa muttered, with her freaky hand still gripping the naughty wooden door.

 

Sandor stepped in, through the doorway of the door. It was a big doorway, because it was a big door. He shut the sexy door behind him and stepped closer with his thick meaty man legs and giant feet. Sansa had heard that men with big feet typically had large socks. Maybe she would find out.

 

“I know what book you’ve been reading. I’m a bad boy, I’m crazy disrespectful, and I’m gonna do filthy things to you, with your express verbal consent.”

 

“Oh, um, okay. I mean, yes, I’ll have the sex with you.”

 

Sandor grinned and stepped even closer, reaching out with one of his gorilla hands and grabbing one of her breasts.

 

“I like your boob. It’s soft and squishy, like a koosh ball without the little rubber hairs.”

 

Sansa sighed with muted exuberance. His big manly hands were like baseball mitts without the webs. “Will you put your manhood in my woman’s place?”

 

“I sure as shit will.” Sandor picked her up by the asscheeks and plopped her onto the kitchen counter, right between a fruit bowl full of fruity apples and a mint green Keurig coffee machine that was blinking to indicate it was low on water. He grabbed the bottom of Sansa’s shirt and pulled it over her head, removing it from her quivering and perky sweet-ass body. He threw it onto the floor like it was garbage. He tore off his own shirt as well, revealing a bumpy chest and even bumpier abs. He undid his leathery belt and pushed his conservative casual khaki slacks down to his ankles. He then lifted up Sansa’s skirt with his giant hands. Slowly and quickly, he entered her with one finger. He was a large man. It was a dick sized finger. Sansa moaned with noise.

 

“Oh Sandor, you sick fuck. Mmmmm, I’m a tiny little woman. How could you do this to me, you unpleasant cad!?!?”

 

“That’s right, you filthy ho. I’m gonna give you my D right now. I’m gonna put it inside you. I’ll plug your outlet and make you scream with my sexy electric current.”

 

Sandor couldn’t take it anymore, he had to poke her in the lady bits with his kielbasa. Taking himself in hand, he entered her wetness with a loud squishy noise. “Mmm girl, you sound like playdoh going back in the can. You naughty.”

 

Sansa was breathing, so he knew she was enjoying it. “Faster, Sandor. Place a spell on me with your magical flesh wand. Violate my core over and over, don’t stop until you give me your man milk. And by man milk, I mean your jizz.”

 

Sandor was gripping her womanly hips and plowing himself into her. “Oh, I’ll give it to you Sansa. I just hope you aren’t lactose intolerant.”

 

Sansa’s blue eyes rolled back into her feminine head, her pink cotton candy lips contorting into an O, her period blood red hair cascading down over her super busomy busom.

 

“You like my cock-a-doodle doo, don’t you? Tell me. Tell me with words from your mouth and vocal cords.”

 

“Oh Sandor, you big naughty bull, gore me with your horn. I’m going to splooge on the granite counter and then have to clean it later, and I’m out of paper towels.”

 

That was all the weird encouragement he needed. With a few frantic humps and some supremely grotesque facial expressions, Sandor sprayed her insides with his man paint. He made a sound like that of a deflating balloon, and then collapsed onto the floor. Sansa joined him.

 

“Sansa, did you enjoy my enjoyment of you?”

 

“Oh yes, Sandor. You dipped your stick into my honeypot like no other, and I’ve been with a lot of men.”

 

“What? Really? I mean, it’s not a big deal or anything but, how many?”

 

“It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you and I have a special connection, and you have a huge dick.”

 

Sandor nodded in agreement “I really am blessed with a gargantuan  meatstick. Lucky for me you aren’t vegan.”

 

They both laughed, but neither of them knew why.

 

“Well Sandor, this was really fun for you, but I’ve got shit to do.”

 

“Cool. Me too, I need to binge watch some stuff on Netflix, so…”

 

“Well, maybe we can do this again sometime. Maybe someday you’ll last long enough to give me an orgasm.”

 

“Hells yeah, baby. I’d love to tap that pussy again. Maybe next time I’ll show you my signature move.”

 

“Great. Can’t wait. Get out.”

 

Sandor put his clothes back on like he was getting dressed to go somewhere. Sansa got dressed again, too, and reminded him once more that he hadn’t left yet.

 

She walked him to the enormous, voluptuous, sensuous door. “It was fun. See you around.”

 

Sandor gave her a peck on the cheek. “I’ll probably ignore you for a few weeks and then drunk text you at 2am when I’m horny.”

 

Sansa smiled to his face. “That’s fine, I’ll ignore it.”

 

And with that, their encounter, that had taken place on the counter, was over. Sandor went back to his stupid apartment, complete with tit posters and black lights. Sansa relaxed at her place with a bag of chips and a carton of ice cream. She thought that maybe someday they would do it again, or maybe she’d take up scrapbooking.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been two long weeks since Sandor had given Sansa’s dog his snausage, and she was feeling carnivorous. She had gone to Dunkin’ Donuts for burnt tasting coffee and a mediocre breakfast sandwich when she saw him, standing on his legs and feet, waiting. He was wearing clothes. Clothes for a man. She made her way through the zigzag line using her body and stood next to him and his body,  flipping her flaming scarlet hairs to attract his saucy attention. It worked, like something that works well.

 

“Sup Sansa. Last time I saw you, you were on the end of my dick like a rabbit on a spit.”

 

“Yeah, I remember.” She touched his shoulder and then slid her pink claw-like hand down to his crusty elbow, then leaned in to whisper. “I ended up cream filled, just like one of these donuts.”

 

Sandor blushed, or maybe he had rosacea. “I’d love to fill you again, baby. You down?”

 

“Oh, I’m down. I’m down like Christmas lights after January 1st.”

 

She gave him a provocative stare, indicating that she was hungry, and he looked like a snack. He grabbed her by her woman hand and they raced back to their brick apartment building that still had the original lights from when it was built a long time ago back in the olden days. They took the shiny metallic metal elevator to his floor, looking at one another with heated hotness the whole time. When they made it to the hall just outside of his apartment door, he gave her one last libidinous stare. Once his door opened, she was on him like he was a Walmart black friday deal.

 

She attached her face to his at the lips, lips moving, lips sucking...some would call it a kiss. 

 

“Sansa, you’re so fucking hot. Let’s take off each others panties.” He reached down and unzipped her jeans, sliding them down to the floor, then he grabbed her juicy lady rump with his hands. “You have a sweet-ass butt. I like the way it feels with my hands.”

 

Sansa undid his jeans, too. They were dirty and smelled like he hadn’t washed them in weeks. She removed them to find that he was wearing boxers that had pictures of cats. She reached through the slit in the front with one of her hands and felt his male sex organ. It was hard like a rock, or steel, or ice cream straight from the freezer.

 

“Mmmm, seems like your corndog is ready for my taco.” She licked the tip of him, sending a shiver throughout his big sexy man body.

 

“Aw yeah, you know it is. I’m gonna freak you like you’ve never been freaked before. Come here, girl. Enough playing the flesh flute, let’s do sex.”

 

Sandor picked her up and laid her onto her back on his nasty beer stained bachelor couch.  He spread her legs and tasted her coin slot with his mouth.

 

“Mmmm, you can call me a baker, because I’m all about the cookie.”

 

“Oh Sandor, you are so masculine and cool. Don’t make me wait. Fill me with your most excellent phallus.”

 

“Yeah? You ready for my pecker?”

 

“Oh yes...I’m so ready, I’m like the readiest person ever. Will you please give it to me?”

 

“Well, since you asked so politely.” He sat on the couch and pulled her into his big giant man lap. She lowered herself onto his pinkish purple gentleman’s shaft and began to move.

 

“Mmmm, you’re so thick and substantial inside my core. Your circumference is the bomb.”

 

Sandor nodded, then stood with her still attached to his member. She was a marshmallow and he was her stick, helping her to get nice and gooey in the hot heat. He carried her into the bedroom, laying her down onto the inflatable mattress. It was half covered with a sheet that had orange powdery stains, like he had been eating cheetos in bed. 

 

“I’m gonna pound you like a chicken cutlet.” He began humping her rapidly. “Touch yourself, freaky lady. I want to see your O-face. Make like an orange and gimme dat juice.”

 

Sansa reached down between their bodies and began to play with her sensitive and majestic woman bump. Fortunately, she knew what to do. She had been single for a while, so it wasn’t unusual for her to deejay the one-woman party. 

 

“Oh Sandor, I’m feeling such feelings. Explosions. Bursts. Electricity. The internal shattering!” Sansa shook like a frightened chihuahua, then released a guttural sex moan with her sexy sex mouth.

 

Sandor found his euphoria soon after, panting like a dog, face dripping with sweat and red like a sunburn. “Oh Sansa, Sansa….I….grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.” He looked batshit crazy, like a tweaker or someone you’d see at a Waffle House at 3am. “Here it comes...here it comes...release the houuuuuuuuuunds!” When he was finished being hella weird, he rolled onto his back right beside her, dripping with sweat and breathing breaths. 

 

“Sansa, your body is bangin’. I don’t care that you’re a firecrotch, I could do sex with you forever.”

 

Sansa sighed, already tired of his shit. “Yeah, I kind of have a lot of stuff going on tomorrow, and I don’t really want to stay any longer because your place is gross, like there’s a crust on every surface...so I need to go.”

 

“Cool, let me walk you out.” He slipped on his boxers while Sansa dressed herself with her clothes. They kissed goodbye with their mouths, and Sansa headed back to her place. Sandor was having thoughts that he may be falling for her, but he quickly pushed those thoughts aside, reminding himself that bitches are cray.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been seven days since Sansa had last seen Sandor, but to her, it felt like a week. Something about him was drawing her in, making her want more, but he was clearly bad for her. He was the big frosted cupcake to her diabetes. Nevertheless, she wanted him and his big sexy body, and she knew he would give in to her, because he’s a man and he lets his penis make all of his decisions. His penis was a most agreeable penis. It was huge, and it was pretty big, too. It was that exact thought that had Sansa standing outside his apartment door, knocking with her small feminine fist on the ominous door, waiting to see if he would answer the door.

 

He answered the door.

 

“Sansa, I wasn’t expecting you...I thought you said my place was gross.”

 

“I did, and it is, but I was just thinking about your dick and it made me moist with moisture. Wanna bone?”

 

“Sure.”

 

As Sansa walked in, she noticed it smelled like something was burning and there was a dirty skillet in the sink.

 

“Sorry bout the smell, I tried to make a grilled cheese but it didn’t turn out right.”

 

Upon further inspection, Sansa noticed that he hadn’t removed the plastic from the cheese slice. What a dipshit. Oh well, it didn’t matter. She had come to boink and then leave anyway.

 

Sansa turned to face him, slowly removing her fabric shirt, then unclasping her ladylike bra and tossing it onto the unforgiving floor.

 

“Your tits are the most perfect tits…like two glistening orbs. And your nipples are wrinkly as fuck.”

 

“Er, Thanks?”

 

He stepped forward and placed his hands on her boobies. His man rod was hardening at the contact, it was so romantic, she could feel it stiff against her horny hip.

 

“Your manroot is so...so...manly. I’m addicted. It’s like crystal meth for my love canal.”

 

“Oh yeah? Are you saying you want it?

 

“Mmm hmmm...yes. My cock socket needs your sex missile again.”

 

Sandor reached down into the front of Sansa’s jeans, searching for her fun button. He didn’t find it, but after several minutes of him touching everywhere but the correct spot, she made him think he’d found it just to get it over with.

 

“Hmmm...do you like that Sansa?”

 

“Oh yes, it’s most invigorating.”

 

Sandor stopped to remove his clothes and the remainder of Sansa’s clothes, so that they were both unclothed, and the clothes were on the floor, in a neat pile of clothes.

 

“Sansa...I’ve thought of you all week. My sword has been craving your intimate folds.”

 

He scooped her up with his arms and carried her to his air mattress, setting her down gently and then crawling on top of her like a freaky cave creature that hadn’t seen sunlight in years.

 

He entered her bearded clam eventually, she assisted him with an, “I can’t believe this shit” after he made several failed attempts on his own.

 

Sansa gasped with something akin to pleasure. Her super sensuous sounds didn’t go unnoticed.

 

“Yeah, take it, take it all. Your pussy is so tight I’d swear it was an asshole.”

 

Sansa cringed but put on a fake smile just to appease him. He was jackhammering away now, poking her insides with his fiery hot flesh poker. After a couple of minutes his movements became erratic...he was getting close.

 

“Grrr….oh yes...Sansa...aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh. Uh. Uh. Uh.” He couldn’t help himself, he had given her lady biscuit his man gravy. When he was finally done seizing, he rolled over and sank down into the air mattress. His breathing was inconsistent, sometimes inhaling, sometimes exhaling. He was dripping with sweat, but Sansa was dripping with dissatisfaction.

 

“Sansa, that was so freaking hot. Did you have an orgasm?”

 

“No, not even close.” She had craved risotto, but he had given her rice-a-roni.

 

“Bummer. Well, I’m pretty hungry, you think you could make me a sandwich?”

 

Sansa got up quickly and retrieved her clothes from the filthy floor, putting them on with her hands. She opened the door and left, uttering, “Selfish bastard” as she made her way down the long, dramatic hallway. Sandor couldn’t understand what her problem was...women were a mystery to him. Maybe someday he’d figure them out, but right now, all he cared about was food and the rapid decline of glaciers due to the effects of global warming.


	4. Chapter 4

Sansa walked into the bar-like establishment to meet up with a friend of hers. The place was dark and full of people. Soccer mom music played in the background. There was a large wood table-esque counter that ran along one wall. Drinks were served on it. Large alcoholic drinks with cherries and lime slices and shit. Drinks for thirsty people. There were also bowls of nuts and pretzels. As she sat on her chosen stool, she tossed a handful of nuts into her throat. They were salty, which immediately made her think of Sandor, the dude she had hooked up with a few times. He was strong, and hot, with heat, and strength. She loved when he would use his big strong arms to touch her body. His arms were strong, and big. And, of course, there was the matter of the area between his legs. His man’s place. Romance novels often described it as “velvet over steel,” which was kind of weird, but whatever.

 

She was estimating his length in inches when the very man she was thinking of, Sandor Clegane, came through the door of the alcoholic beverage service place. He strode up to the bar-like counter and sat at a stool, ordering a drink from the alcoholic beverage waiter. His eyes scanned the room a few times before settling on Sansa. He stood on his thick meaty legs and walked over until he was standing next to her body which was still sitting on the stool.

 

“Hey, uh, I don’t normally do one-night stands, but would you care to have a drink with me and then we could bump uglies after.”

 

He was acting as if he had never seen her before...like she was just some random chick he was picking up. “Are you kidding me?  Is this a joke? We’ve banged three times before. I’m Sansa.”

 

“Uh...right. I totally recognized you, I was just being funny. Ha ha. So about that after drink activity…”

 

“I’ll pass." Sansa received a text notification, her friend had to cancel. Oh well, back to the idiot at hand. "I like your hot body and the way you look at me, but last time you left me unsatisfied.”

 

He leaned in close to her ear. “Well, I’d love the opportunity to unsatisfy you again.”

 

“No. No, you’re not getting it. I want to be satisfied. I don’t want to be unsatisfied. Being unsatisfied is a bad thing.”

 

“Well that’s good, cause I’m a bad boy. Very bad.” He winked at her and flexed a bicep.

 

“Really?  You cannot be this stupid.  Okay, let me break it down for you. You had an orgasm, I did not. I want an orgasm.”

 

“Well then, there’s only one thing left to do.  Let’s each have a drink and then go to my place.”

 

She wanted to tell him to fuck off, but her plans for the night were canceled, and it had been a while since she’d hopped on a dick, so instead she agreed to his stupid suggestion.

 

About an hour later, they walked through the doorway of Sandor’s filthy nasty hole that he called an apartment. It smelled like mildew and burnt doll hair. Sansa looked around and, seeing that the cleanest area was the floor, got on her knees. He was hard already, so when she unzipped his fly, his crotch weasel popped out like a jack in the box. She took him in hand and began pumping his shaft, eventually moving on to taking him in her mouth. After just a few seconds of sucking his bulbous member, he stopped her.

 

“I’m not going to last long if you keep doing that. It’s game time. Let’s fuck.” He hauled her up off of the floor and, carrying her with his hands under her thighs, pressed her up against the dirty wall. How is it that even the walls were dirty? Ew.

 

“I’m gonna enter your wetness now. Prepare yourself for pleasure-ey stuff.”

 

“Okay. My core is ready and waiting for you. Or my center. Woman’s place? Whatever you want to call it, it’s there, and it’s moist with moisture.”

 

He brought himself to her entrance and pushed inside. He moved slowly at first, but after a few strokes he increased his speed.

 

Sansa was finding it okay, but he wasn’t quite at the right angle to make it rain. “Hey, can you aim up more? I think it’ll help you hit my G-spot.”

 

“Oh yeah? Well then I’m gonna aim up a lot, so that I hit your A-spot!”

 

“A-spot?”

 

“Yeah, you know, like school grades. Why would you want a G when I can give you an A?”

 

He was really dumb. But his cock was huge, and he had kind of a hot body. It took a few attempts, but finally he found the right angle that made Sansa shiver with sexytime goodness. She buried her face into his massive man-shoulder, squeezing her long feminine legs tightly around him. She felt something building gradually , then suddenly her insides burst like a can of refrigerated biscuits. Finally, FINALLY, she had an orgasm. Sweaty and out of breath, she let him know that his mission had been accomplished.

 

Sandor stopped doing the humpty dance. “This is great, but do you think maybe you could finish what you started earlier?”

 

Taking the hint, Sansa dropped to her knees once again. She took his rigid member, now shiny with her lady juices, into her mouth, in and out, his hands squeezing her hair so tight it felt as if it might rip from the scalp. A moment later, he was kind enough to warn her that he was about to finish.

 

“Here it comes. Here it comes!  Here it comes!!!!” He exploded and imploded all at once. His seed filled her mouth and ran down her face. It was thick and warm,  like microwaved Velveeta. Sansa stood up quickly and ran to the kitchen sink, all the while making gagging sounds. She spit out the contents of her face vagina and cleaned herself off. By the time she was finished, Sandor was already fully dressed. When she returned to the area where she had been on her knees, she noticed a wet spot on the carpet.

 

“Oh, looks like some of your gentleman’s yogurt got onto the floor. We’d better clean it up, or it might leave a stain.”

 

Sandor wasn’t concerned. “Nah, it’s fine. Stains give it character.”

 

He was gross as fuck. Sansa couldn’t get dressed quickly enough. Her clothes now back on, she needed a reason to leave, and fast, before he could annoy her any more.

 

“So, hey, um...I have to go, I’m working on a homemade costume for Comic Con and it’s taking forever.”

 

“It’s cool. I was trying to think of a way to get you to leave without asking, but now there's no need. So, uh, thanks I guess.”

 

What a dick. Sansa left, vowing to herself that she’d never screw around with him in the future, unless, of course, she saw him somewhere and she wanted to.


End file.
